Operation Preschool

Operation Preschool is going great.

We are trying to get him to excel past the mark in Preschool. We start lovely Preschool next year at a Christian School, no less. He is stubborn but he is so great at learning lately. He is drawing straight lines, Curved lines, and circles. Then many books of Preschool Worksheet books and oh yeah 26 little Einstein Books...obsessive yes. But I want my little man to be prepared for just about everything. Preschool is already overwhelming me, as well. But we will get through it.

Its Just a matter of Pretense...

"How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown"

This one line is dictating how I feel in my life..Painful yet satisfying..

Christina Perry_ Arms..


I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home

How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved 'Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go


I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

You put your arms around me and I'm home

_____________________________________________________________


So many things I am doing right and wrong. So many things I want and Need...but at the same time so lost. Feeling a emptiness in what I am doing or saying. Telling lies to all the wrong? Right People. Holding back as I feel falling. Heavy in my shadow of a heart. Torn out with a Plastic spoon of people I love and adore. Pretending to be all the right kind of person. Pretending to listen and respond all the right ways. Killing who I am. Devastating. Piece of mind while I exercise. Pushing back all my mental errors. Giving me the shadow of the doubt with the ivy crawling up into my pain. Giving me a world of crushing knowledge. Disturbed? Somedays. Empowered? More often than most. Flawless Perfect. Perfectly relapsed. Why? Can't it be as important as it use to be. Worth Fighting? Always? Forever?

Red Head

So today, I have been busting my butt...to defeat my whole world before 4am tomorrow...

My List...
Dye Hair Red

Check..which means

tch of clothing is washed...house is closed up...instructions...cleaning...

ohhh...geez can you say..maybe I dont want to do it....AT ALL. I should but hate doing anything that involves oh yeah...getting in a car and driving 10 hours...oh well I guess..

At least my head is red...All the stress

Mommy hood

So as of being a mother of the past three years or even a mother of toddlers. I have learned some important things. Like I think the biggest annoyance is people being ignorant towards somebody who has younger kids. Explanation is kind of like "Hey, do you want to go into a glass room" or my other favorite "People springing things onto you at the last second" Its like yes, I have a babysitter but I am not jumping at every opportunity. My sister in law keeps saying things like isn't there somebody you can leave the kids with, such a long drive. Yes, I would be 10 hours away from my kids, who would I leave them with David's parents. Your hilarious. Some people just don't understand til they have kids. My friend, Stephanie keeps saying the same thing. Toddlers are not human, lol. Forget about having breakable things, listening when wanting to, and of course my favorite temper tantrums. My kids both have my temper which is horrid.Let me tell you. Timeout is a blessing or nap time. I just wish everyone is understandable.

I am planning on starting college again. I can hardly wait. I am plotting between Psychology (which I already have 4 credits under my belt), Personal Trainer(love working out and helping people) and Dietrition or Nutritionist.But since I am a stay at home mom, I do put into consideration that my kids come first. We have been lucky that Davids job is very flexible and he is part-owner since last year. So we are very blessed. So that means I will probably start school when the kids start but around their hours. I am not getting a job until they are old enough to stay home. Which is like what 10 or 12 ish. Overprotective much, yup. I just don't want to hire a permanent babysitter, well ever. My friends are my babysitters when needed and thats about how far my trust is besides my parents. So until they get old enough my schooling will come first. Guess my serious job is being a mommy and a wife. Perfect. Blurring my lines of my old self and old relationship. It definatly pays to have understanding friends. My life is way to crazy...for sure.

Well off to pack for a wedding.. :)




Dresses and Kids

Happy Birthday Baby

My baby was Born today.He will be three :) Seems like just yesterday I was in labor for an hour and a half...with 5 seconds of hard labor..my body wanted him out. ...Ahh and no pain medication.
Born to David & Stephanie
Date: Wednesday, July 16, 2008 at 5:43 AM
Weight: 8 lbs. 9 oz. Length: 21 inches

Twilight, growing on me?

I have been reading Twilight. People are on every extreme of this book. So I decided to pick it up and buy them. All four of them, Plus I have read the illustrated version of it too. I decided if I don't want to be a hypocrite than I better read it. Cannot be a ignorant person. So about 2 weeks ago I started reading it. Actually my favorite book is The Twilight Saga:the official illustrated Guide. It is Stephenie Myers every basic thought out plan for the movie. I was very pleased to see how much music influenced her writing. I gasped at how Blue October Music influenced sections of Stephenie Meyers work...Some of my favorite songs(Sounds of Pulling Heaven Down, Hate Me,Overweight,Congratulations,​What if we could) =) Some of my absolute favorites.

I even got my question answered on glowing Vampires"their cellular membrane is not as soft or permeable as in a human cell, it has crystalline properties that cause the surface to react prismatically,when in sunlight" It kinda makes sense, the scientist in me like yup. So I may not like the idea of a glowing diamond vampire, but I still will always love Lestat.

I haven't finished the 4th book yet, but I slowly drudging threw the beginning. Eclipe has been by far the best for me. I am not on Team Edward or Team Jacob because thats just well...juvenile. But I do like Carlisle and Jane. It was also kind of cool to hear this book all started in a dream and she wanted to finish it. Hell, there wasnt even a Jacob character to begin with.

In Interview with the Vampire, all the Vampires seemed to posses some type of power. Where as in Twilight its not that common of an occurrence. It as sort of went into a time where the Louie ate rats and Lestat was appalled by that. Of course, Twilight has the Trackers(hunt for fun,needs a thrill), Vegetarians (Animals) and of course, Just Plain Human Blood. Now even a human/vampire child that grows like hell.

I will say it is not the best book I have read common Sabriel, Lord of the Rings, or Time Travelers wife. It is written in more of a young adult way. Which is good, because at least they are reading something. But it was interesting to see where it goes. Even though I think I will be sad..due to the Characters leave all to guesses then.

And after 10 years...Harry Potter has ended. Mischief Managed for Now.

Mumbling

Somethings are expected. Others are not? Destiny is formed, Heartbeats seemed to last forever. Kisses are magically enticed. Someday? Ran out of time? Seriously?

Heartbreaks are scary. Cheating is devastating. Healing is essential. Forgiveness is a lifetime mistake.
Decisions always have two sides, destructive and Peaceful.

The world I enter every night is not always honest with my feeling or myself.Every night its a chemical explosion, picking up the pieces before getting home. Getting in the door with a perfect composer. Destroying things I care about. Slowly, piecing the things together. Writing to someone that doesn't deserve any of this. Why? even care. Making me weigh up the guilty shame. Harder than this is the feelings that are destroy. Cascade me with the moon beams. Hold me tell me everything is semi-okay. Tell me your fearless, I will only apologize once. Giving the impression I am not sorry. Take my hand promise me forever. Leave me forever alone with these thoughts. Abandon me because I like it that way.

The world not always perfect, so I will be unperfectly Perfect. Thats just who I am. Destructive and loved....

Even in madness, I know you still believe...Paint me on canvas so I become..What you could never be

I dare you to tell me to walk through fire..Wear my soul and call me a liar
I dare you to tell me to walk through fire
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to

Hello, are you still chasing...The memories in shadows
..Some stay young, some grow old..Come alive, there are thoughts unclear
You can never hide...

Hello, let me introduce you to
The characters in the show
One says yes, one says no
Decide - which voice in your head you can keep alive

Someday, when it's over
And you never show your face
I hope you'll remember
How I tried to make you a place
And so now, I move on
To keep my piece of mind
In someway, I've failed you
But I just ran out of time

Hate get over it?

Figured I have the time might as well...

hate
Verb: Feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone): "the boys hate each other".
Noun: Intense or passionate dislike: "feelings of hate".

In this sense I am honored to have people hate me. Rare as it is. Usually Disliking is better. But to be Hated whether they want to or not they are Injecting you into there life. Memory, Still going on about it, or still being immature. Such as basically Doing things you would never do as a Normal human being. Stalking someones blog, Facebook, Twitter, and anything else they see you have. As if watching to see if you are miserable yet. Okay, if you hate me don't look. Act like I do not exist. Why would you want to look when you hate me. Displaced hate maybe. Even the childish, they see you and they give you the bad look.Seriously, are we still in high school people. I expect this from teenagers.

i do not hate anyone. I dislike people but hate no.Hate just ends up destroying you in the end. I block people from my facebook I do not want in my life, I block the numbers that someone tries calling me, and I do not subject myself their meaningless words. I usually just hear about "things" and just sigh or try to fix the truth. Even after years, they are still doing the same things....seriously grow up....Obviously there is a reason you hate me so go away. Or maybe your just Jealous. Ahh..give myself the benefit of a doubt.

I am better than people that hate because I moved on. I am living my dreams and flying up the rainbow. Reaching the stars with no end in sight. Do me a favor erase me from your thoughts you would be better off to truly move on. Living with Regrets are a waste of time or being a stalker..its just unflattering.

So as It comes starting soon..I will probably delete my blog and leave it barren...delete my email and start a new blog..where people cannot pry into my life and I can write whatever I feel. Its sad..I have to even think about this but In this case it might be better for everybody evolved because as stated I am glad I imprinted your llife but go away. Please and thank you.

Saturday had so many good and bad points. So I will start with the bad. Saturday My son woke up with dots everywhere. Everywhere. I immediately thought chicken pox, then started looking up pictures. Surprise, Internet shows you the absolutely worst pictures of the virus and such. So after 4 hours the rash got 20 times worst. Started being raised bumps and started to be everywhere. So it was back to the Er. Which for the past week he was on Amoicillin . Sister drug of Penicillin. Which My mom is allergic to and so am I. Which Doctors if they don't know for sure if your kids are allergic to it they will experiment with your kids. Needless to say PCN rashes suck. He was put on a strong antibiotic to fight it and he is finally just a red child. You could

tell it was itchy, burning at times and just plain sucky.


My poor little man.

In my weight losing. I am up to 19.0 Pounds whooo!!! And I guess better than that on Saturday I talked to my mom for 3 1/2 hours. She kept my mind off of Zeke plus I had the same reaction that Zeke had. So it was nice to hear how this was going to progress. I love my mother. We may not have had a good relationship when I was in high school but we have an amazing relationship now. I am very glad about it.

So hopes that Zekens gets better and husband gets here soon. Yay to the rain.

18.2

18.2 pounds today...I cried on the scale today. Literally, started bawling. I cannot believe how far I have came.

Last January, I had worked so hard to lose weight and lost nothing. Depo-Provera makes you loss weight or keep your weight or even gain weight. I sat my couch and cried. I told David I don't wanna be fat the rest of my life. I have only been fat for 3 years and 2 of those years I was Pregnant. So I cried and David got so defensive of me. More than I have ever seen him. My friend went out and bought Ea Active and we started almost 3 weeks after my mental breakdown. Of course she may have quit but I haven't and still going strong.

I am one more step toward being 119 pounds again. 2 MORE POUNDS TIL 20 i am excited.

throwing things..

When you touch me you shock me
So much is out of our control
Take my hand. Whisper. Forever.
Sweat pours in frustration
Hold my shoulders down so I don't float away
Give me a taste of what I deserve
Kiss me goodbye on the forehead
Imprint me forever

Walking away from the disaster
Guilty as charged
Give me a sign, Give me a chance
Touching skin stroking it
Burning up from the inside
Pure Romance

Lets show them what we can do
Show them why we can't say no
Falling in the shadows..
Blocked from the lies
Chemicals collide as we fall apart
Closing our eyes

.........................................................................................

You and God both have the guns
pointed at my head
I'll take a deadly sin over death
I'd rather dance with the Devil.
The storm is brewing
You are always,always my anchor..
You are always You.

You see me for who I am
You have always loved me
...for me...
You have held my hand
in this storm called life
You held me when
I was in so much Pain
I could barely find myself

...........................................................................

Memories

However you decide to destroy me
Take me in little by little
Breathe in those thoughts
Even the good ones
I can have a chance
You are an angel of death, Memories.
..........................................................................

I have blood on my hands
Nowhere to go, lost
Running is the only thing to do
Put you far back in my mind
Only a Vision of a life

These words will never leave this mind
Am I ready? Destroyed in a single movement
Fragile, Shattered, Broken

Back up out of the blackness
Cannot grip on these desolate walls
Barren as a desert
Slipping, Falling

A hand of ...forgivness?
Why do I deserve this..
Gripping and feel instant...gratitude and love
Surrounded in love
Thinking its ..not ...bad

...Snow sleeping

I think very few people are completely normal really, deep down in their private lives. It all depends on a combination of circumstances.

~ Amanda in Noel Coward's 1931 play Private Lives

"And I keep my jealousy close, 'cause it's all mine. and if you say this makes you happy, then I'm not the only lying."I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake.

"And besides my reputation's on the line"

The first Day David and I met we sung a song together. Fallout Boy Sugar Were going down. Very Ironic...in all senses.

"Am I more than you bargained for yet?"

I have been having serious sleep problems. I can ultimately sleep for three hours a night or I feel tired all day. If I sleep three hours I feel fine. Problem is I usually sleep five hours. I wake up at 7:30 and blow into the world of exercise and alone time. Kids sleep til 10:30. Then I feel slightly tired all day but get distracted by house work and such.

Then it comes when David gets home I am exhausted but as soon as I imagine I really want to sleep. It hits Twilight. BAM! I am wide awake. Ridiculous. Last night glad I was awake when I heard...Whoosh. That sound I was dreading with a stopped heartbeat. 32 ounces of water dumped over by non-other than Felix. That was a fun time cleaning up. Thank gosh my computer was safe. Oh and all my things I am working on that may have been an ultimate disaster.

Learn Something new everyday. In fact I have felt so alive lately even due to my lack of sleep. I have been enjoying my alone time. I am alone about 10 hours a day without a husband but my kids are reminding me about everything. I enjoy my friends and playing my current games with them. But a lot of the times it is just I get to sit down in an air conditioned room and enjoy a book or two. Its the piece of mind I get. Maybe thats why at midnight I can take a stroll and feel completely and utterly alive.

My favorite walks are on snowy cloudy days. When the snow is just barley falling and the view is amazing. It just sparkles with such innocence. Reminds me of my favorite game..Fatal Frame..in all forms. Everyone I live around hates snow..such a pity. I would never live anywhere without snow. Wouldn't even trade those days were you cannot even breathe outside because it hurts. It is so much fun to take pictures in the snow and have huge snowball fights. Fun for sure.

Wedding

II XIV MMX

That is my wedding day. February 14th 2010. After 6 years of a "perfect" relationship we did the final stage. I say perfect because to me, perfect is even the faults. Every relationship has disagreements whether big or small. It is life.

I have been doing so much to lose weight..okay not all the time 100% but we have had weddings. Believe me way too many weddings.Its quite stressful. So my 16.8 pounds is a basic "I am trying"
Haven't gained any weight so I think I am doing just fine. My husband and I were cuddling and he decided to surprise me. He told me that "I am amazing" Which of course I already knew, that's not the surprise. "If and when I get at my goal weight or close enough he will get me the wedding dress of my choice and he doesn't care how much it costs. We will get the "Engagement pictures I want" I was giddy I was. He was flooded with kisses.

This moment will remain in my mind everyday for the rest of my life. Let me explain, back in 2008 we wanted to get married. I was mother of a three month old and working on my second pregnancy. We were talking about it. Then David told me he couldn't marry me because "I didn't know the truth and I wouldn't want him around me" That lead to a heartstopping world of pain and misery. Long story short, we recovered. When your meant to be anything can happen.

In December 2009 David came home from church. He told me he wanted to marry me and nothing was going to stop it this time. He said he wanted to get married that week. I told him ah..no. I wanted to wait til Febraury 14. He agreed and we were married at 2:30 at my grandparents house. My grandmother was in charge of decorating and getting everything together. She put those cute little puffy red rose trees and then the cake was so beautiful. Even when I pushed it all over Davids face, haha. She did our glasses and I was just so grateful. We got married in the presence of my children, my parents, his parents, my brother and sister in law, my grandparents, and davids grandparents. We were surrounded in love that day. My brother recorded it all. We married in front of a off white speckled black fireplace with a huge mirror above it.Guess thats how we do it when the Pastor is the father of the groom. It was all so lovely, it was so us.

So in honor of not only Davids words, but this year on our anniversary we will pledge our love again to each other. Since the last month we have lost our wedding rings. What a bummer. Mine wasn't that cheap so we decided to get our roman numerals tattooed on our ring fingers. The rest of our lives we are completely serious about. I could not find a better man, a better best friend, and a person I could spend easily the rest of my life together with.

I love you, David.
II XIV MMX

This dress is a maybe choice its me. I hate white. But maybe when we go to the dress store I will feel different. I dunno.


i thought that the world had lost its sway
(its so hard sometimes)
then i fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that away
(its not so difficult, the world is not so difficult)
you take away the old
show me the new
and i feel like i can fly
when i stand next to you
so what if I'm on this phone
a hundred miles from home
i take the words you gave
and send them back to you

My world

Today I spent 2 hours in the ER with my son. Let me tell you I am the kind of person who is a "I am calmly freaking out"

It is amazing the sense of the connection of love between a mother and a children. Ever since my child was a little bean in my stomach. I have loved them. I cried so hard at the ultra sound. I couldn't even be away from him for a week, I was sobbing on the phone with my mom while hearing my son in the background. I was sick with the flu , I had no choice. They always come first after God, of course. I am a stay at home mom so I am there for everything. I can actually count how many times we have had a babysitter. I enjoy my time with them. Since I want them to have their parents with them. Plus these are the most precious times. I hear every word and I work with them everyday. They are my world in every since. Of course, their father is too.

So as soon as we get to our friends wedding, we watch David Cousin get married and as we are leaving we get a text. Zeke is having issues peeing, screaming and saying boo boo. We went to the ER after a 15 minute drive. I think every thought of the worst scenarios was in my head. Of course, Zeke was as good as ever and a little infection of some sort. So he was fine and loved the doctors. He is my little man, and his mommy is definatly wants to protect him forever.

Something my husband said to me today " Everyday I look at you, and I'm amazed at this woman who despite my failures has let me love you again."

16.8 pounds lost

So today I got on the scale and I have lost 16.8 pounds..that is exciting. Of course I have way more to learn and my schedule now is an hour and a half of biking and Ea Cardio Start. I miss that game. I have perfected drinking 122 ounces of water a day. Smiles for me. Eating healthier and drinking homemade juice is the best. Cucumber juice has to be my favorite. My lack of sleep is improving somewhat. Its just have to get my body use to 7 hours instead of 3. I am working on it.

I also hit that dreaded time of month and my body is protesting. I could live without that. I think every woman could.

Other things made my first meatloaf and it was amazing. I didn't think it would turn out amazing due to never making it before needless to say it was great to everybody but Lorilye because she is a vegetarian. She didn't even like my homemade Potatoes. So I guess we are almost to the terrible twos.. So it is expected to be difficult. Now if only ..oooh wait she does beat her brother up. Haha..shes a character.

Don't look at our crouches while we Synchronize our watches.

Time to go cuddle with my amazing family :)