I am an addict

Self Mutilation is what it is called. I think that is a vulgar term. I prefer the name Recovering Cutter. I have scars on my left arm that are very deep. Every time people see them its like "oooh cutter" I never have denied it. I will never use scar creme. These scars are me. My road map of who I am. I have maybe 20 old cutting scars on my arm. I am not ashamed. Contrary to most people I did not cut to "try " to end my life or any other ridiculous thought runs in peoples mind when they see cuts. People do not understand the motives behind it.

I haven't cut in about 3 1/2 years. I do have the occasional I want to do it. Then I remember all the reasons I cannot do it. I cannot be trusted around old razor blades...I am an addict. I cut to relive the pain. I like seeing the knife run across..open a bloody wound..and then I dumped anything into it that added to the high. Yes, that was me. I did not show people, hell my parents didnt know til I was 18. I did not publicize my bloody arm or scabs. I remember having my son with my old scars and the nurse questioning about my scars. I politely told her that is my past so let it be. I have had friends that have cut not only their arms, but thighs and stomach as well.

Most people that see "scars" or see cuts assume we want to kill ourselves and we want attention. Well most of the time you will never know a true cutter. My friends all knew what I did and never questioned it. Heck, my best friend watched me hack my arm up and she watched me clean it up bandage it and then we continued playing a video game and that was back in freshman year. I knew boys and girls in my class that did it. The bad thing is when you keep cutting your skin gets harder and so you keep going deeper. Moving from needles to knives to Razorblades. Razorblades cut skin like butter.

I haven't cut in 3 1/2 years but the addict in me is dying down and I have learned to cope with things in other ways. I just wish people would understand people who cut and not jump to conclusions. Its annoying. Even worst, I dressed emo, did my eyes and cut. Hmm...quite a mix. But remeber you are not alone. Even when people assume the worst, parents or boyfriends. There are plenty of us cutters that understand you are not trying to kill yourself. Your just like everyone else. Coping in this cruel world.

Cape Cod

Cape Cod was amazing. Okay, the bridge before was terrifying. I shut my eyes and tried not to think of the incredible height. I could feel my legs and feet tingling as I got light headed. Freaking out. Gotta love bridges...I defiantly love the ground. Needless to say the Hudson Bridge was just as bad. I learned of a Plant called a Rhododendrons. They were in full bloom and beautiful. Came in so many colors and were everywhere.

These are practically everywhere and there was so many colors. White, Red, Purple, and pink and needless to say I am adding one to my garden along with rose trees. I have to rip up too little ever greens due to spider mites. I cannot save them due to they were infected before I moved here. I already have six different rose plants that all why we were gone bloomed. I was devastated. I get to prune them all down today. :(

Since I have such fascination in plants and anything gardening. I have another love with ocean, ships and anything pretty much to deal with water. We were on an island in cape cod and saw this. A full anchor that is pretty awesome.

So while the days there were 60 and cool and the ocean felt great. Bonfire was a must.

It was too hot next to the fire and too cold from the air. Funny how in Ohio it is 90 and hot and I missed it. I made David drive 14 hours to get back home from sunset to sunrise. Beautiful.
Got to see an amazing wedding.

I think I am most certainly an Ohio girl. ..yup

Quotes

I found a perfect quote today. Reminds me of one person of the past.

Really sick of people making stuff up just to try and get to me. Just because I have what you will NEVER have doesn't mean you need to be a hater.

That is epic and relates to my past. No our past. There is a reason friendships die. Blame can only go so far. Before growing up happens.

Losing weight and feeling great

Loving my new hair!

Death

In 2005, I was working at the fair. I was a parking girl. It was the end of the day and I was waiting for my boyfriend to get off of work. I was sitting with the other parking people teasing and playing with each other. While were sitting there, I was looking at the gravel path on the way out of C gate. I watched a bigger woman fall face first. We knew something was wrong. Chris and I ran all the way to F gate to get the paramedics, 2 other men helped her trying to get her to breathe. In essence, this woman died. She went to the fair and died. Heart attack. How is it life works that way. One day enjoying yourself next minute....their gone.

"Life has certainly had its downfalls and its tragics and black moments but it also has its great times you know."

This is Captain Phil Harris..He was 52 when he suffered from a massive stroke. Watching everyone go through that. Makes me think of my parents...they smoke, dad drinks occasionally. We went to see the taxidermy people at the imagination station and seeing first hand the damages of smoking. Which I already knew, I just dont think I want to deal with it. My parents are in their early 40's. Davids parents are in their 50's. I have only lost my Great Grandpa and Great Grandma and both were very hard on me. Lost them when I was 17. Dustin is easily, a reminder.

Dead is a scary impressive thought with me. I believe in the Christian way of Heaven. But sometimes the thought of being here and then not scares me. Paralyzes me. Its even like my brain goes to what if I forget everything about this life and I am just nothing. Nothing at all. Just a void in time. Scary ain't it. I think of my children and how my heart skips a beat when a nother child gets hurt. I pray my children never get hurt or worse. I think this starts to come up...because we are going on vacation. THe drive is long and anything could happen.

I pray for a safe journey. I pray we are surrounded by our lord. I hope everyones family...has a happy holiday.

motivation

To prove some things. TO say no matter the weight you can can can do it! I pushed my friend of 342 pounds ( I say her weight because she IS losing weight). Its been collectively two weeks of starting out with one mile. One mile this week has turned into two miles..which includes a huge hill. But this week we went up and down the hill 5 times in a row, it was hard. I knew when she got to the hill she would be like I cannot do this. We did this. Then continued the half mile. She did great. Also adding 10 squats and 10 jumping jacks. Next week I will not be in town so she is doing a walking dvd to keep on track. So well see how she does. I have so much faith in her. She keeps me motivated and I keep her motivated.

Falling into pieces

To dedicate my life to something I love in that different direction. I love weight loss, I love transforming people, I love motivation. I hate...no Loath laziness, complaints, bitching and anything associated with the word lazy. My friend of about seven years asked for my help. With my love and information I do. I am doing an "Experimental of sorts" I am putting my body to the limits and proud of it. My friend is in the three hundreds. I think her with this journey will complete her life and she will be so much happier. With me by her side. We have started walking one mile..this is the second week we have added 2 miles..plus an uphill experience and a bit of fast walking plus 10 squats..or at least to try them. I am really glad we have each other. Plus she put some weight on me got the complete stories and poems of Edgar Allan Poe. It is lovely and between kids, husband, romance, exercise, cleaning and reading my other books. I am slipping time in. My day starts at 5:30 and will continue to be that early.

I plan on getting my cherry blossom tree to lace my body in beautiful blossoms. To show the uniqueness and my blooming into my old body. It will be on my hips around my breast and up to my scars of my past. David and my best friend are also getting a cherry blossom. I dont expect him to ever get my name but he will even if in the past separate have a piece of me forever. I also want my kids name and stars on. Beautiful. I have a long way to go but when I reach my 20 pounds I will be ecstatic. I get to run on the beach in 7 more days. We are ditching our phones and laptop for complete family time. Ahhh!!!! I cannot wait.I love just our time. It is lovely. Heck, today my son ran from the park daddy chasing and ran into someones back yard. Into a grandparents yard that were on their back porch and was very sweet and nice. Even talking to David and giving the kids fudge sickles Yumm! I love knowing there are still nice people in this world.

Time for sleep Early day for sure!!