Judging...in process...

Judging people is a horrid thing in this society. We as humans learn to Hate because it is just plain easier. Rumors swirl around our heads like a unintentional dust cloud. How can you spread Rumors about someone when your hatred got in the way of actually getting to know this person. I went through this in the past because Jealousy does the same thing. I do not care to judge anyone unless the point is valid. Like YOU were actually in the Situation that caused it. Then yes judge away. We are Human.

I was in a situation where I was the nicest person but still jealously was a leading factor in this girl trying to destroy my life. Its sad when people think those things and then get to know you :) Because the fact is one of my Best friends was not corrupted and I am so glad he is there. It also comes to a situation that I was half-hazardly involved in. Cheating is something I understand. When you get married and have an affair I pretty much think you really need to get things in check with your issues. You took the vows...so stick to them. Realistic...well no..not in this world anyway. But in this instance...a marriage was broken..An affair. I babysat the child of this broken marriage and it was so hard not to be involved. Being there for a friend and then having to deal with the other party. Hatred didn't want me to get along with them. At first it was fine and then the hatred grew for both sides insulting each other. The Guy works with David. I have always been against causing David drama. I would not try to do anything to anyone at his work not even comments.

Christmas Party came up. I hate them. I do not know "I know them just don't ever talk to any of them" anyone there. This is a time for me to sit there quietly and feel awkward. This time joking with Davids coworkers and then was public attention when Chicken thrown into my boobs. < Hibachi grill> I was determined to be miserable. I made sure I was different then all the others pulling that Christmas sweater out of the closet and wearing it. I made sure my hair was chomped. Blazing with brown, Reds and Blondes. Wore Emo hoodie..because in fact that is who I am. Plus my boob(e) was in full blaze...let me tell you even buying a decent shirt a little low cut..E Boobs are like hello. If you wear a Tshirt they look ten times bigger. You just cannot win. Anyway, I was determined to get drunk finish up the day and just move on. I had a fun time. Maybe it was having decent(?) people around me and well three martinis. Then going to a comedy club. (3 more) but the person that I had issues with, my husband seems to really actually like being around. Which makes me the bad guy. David does agree how bad everything got, the position I was in was hard. He knows my point of mind. I just sat there thinking " Dear God, am I doing something bad here"

So I went to walmart...did something that is out of character for me. Even though I disliked someone I casted it all aside and acknowledged that relationship. We even made contact and you could see it in both of our faces that it was the "this is awkward" But I started the conversation and he even offered to help us move...It may seem insignificant..to most. But for me it was like wow, I can do this for David. Not because He asked me to, but for myself as well.

David has never tried to change anything about me. He loves the random and sometimes ends up loving the not so random. He hates my temper but then loves it when I stand up for something I believe in. My stubborness is a curse..but it also can cause great things. He is my husband, the only person I really have to please besides my kids. If I make him happy, I am happy in turn. I hate people that judge he for what he does. It amazes me how much he can forgive and how nice he can be even to the biggest jerks.

This year is coming to a end..very fast. I may shut my eyes and it will be January 1st. I am ending this year on a sigh. This year I did things I am proud of, things I regret, Things that got forgiven, To say goodbye is bittersweet. The first I am determined to tip my iceberg and swim ashore. Still being me just striving to balance all the right things. Sometimes its hard to find that balance. Sometimes hiding and ignoring the world around yourself. Makes everything become in perspective. Brings tears to my eyes..all I have accomplish and all I will accomplished.

This is my last couple months in this house. The house that I spent 2 pregnancies through. The place where my two toddlers started walking across the floor. The adventures of raising children. The first words here. Davids first christmas with a real tree. Last time we started this adventure meeting at the fair. The second big thing was started at a TGIF table. When we got that call and our life was changing. SO much has happened here. It is almost selfish to hold onto it. This place is amazing. This life is amazing. I am not dying and I have so much to live for. All the right places and all the right friends.

Just Plain Life

Black Friday. Those words already express the optional day of stress. Last year while in Kentucky and we decided to do this day at 5a.m. and at this time wasn't really bad and really it was worth 5 seasons of house for $10 each. So this year we really braved it..Got a babysitter and we headed out at 12am. As we passed Target there was a line that extended past the front to the side and the back. By the way its easily in the 30's yeah well I wasn't standing in that line. We went into walmart and got some Christmas Presents for Lori. While in Walmart we got to hear about a stabbing at Toysrus and a fight at Best Buy. Seriously, this shows what humanity is coming too. I guess going to jail was worth that toy that you will not get anyway. We had a great deal on Zekes toys at Toysrus. So overall I met gracious people and long lines...heck we did not get home til about 4am. Spent a decent amount of money but tis Christmas season. :) Oh yes, the husband got me the new Spryo Skylanders even though I am banned from playing it until Christmas It has been fun trying to find all the character and all the extra worlds. But I cannot wait to play it!

Christmas Season..is always tough on me. The one question..."What does my husband want for Christmas?" When asked he tells me he already has everything he needs. My husband does not watch sports, does not play games unless forced too( he hates Just Dances), he already has all the tools he needs, and lastly all his guitar stuff and amps...So leaves me going what the hell. But with the new house coming into our possession in January, I think getting him a huge tool box will be the big here you go. Since I am the one who organizes most of the tools anyway. Or maybe another Wedding Band his other one got left in Mansfield at our friend, Williams Wedding :(

I have started to get over my little bit of depression I was feeling about my mistakes. Mistakes always happen and it just depends on the brilliant people in your life that remind you how amazing you really are :)Plus we can all sit and judge or look into the brighter side of life. I love..no adore the brighter side of my life. The dark side is like monsters reaching out to draw me into the cobwebs of the past. Not appeasing at all. We all have that side of us. Working out is my sedative for that side. The more I workout the happier I feel, without working out I feel like I am failing. So the little bit of selfish, painstaking paths I take make me happy. What can I say easily dealt. < I never wanted to play what was meant to screw me up> When given that option to start anew..it should always be taken regardless of the mistake. I have become as in the words of Pink Floyd Comfortably Numb.

This Thanksgiving reminded me how much I love my family. Most of my family lives in Nebraska. My uncle is North Carolina, Aunt is in Kansas, Grandma is in Akron, brothers in Put in bay and Tennessee. My closes family is in Michigan. Which is about an hour drive easily. My parents and my grandparents live there. But as always I will always be reminded no matter the distance we are always family. Which does not really bother me for my family to be that far away. I do not hate them, I just savor those moments together more. I have Davids family of course they are all pretty much around here or in Indiana. I want my kids to always feel like they can let go and no matter the distance we are always going to be there for them. Too many people take their kids for granted. I know how precious life is...I want to have no regrets...and Gosh I love my little Monsters <3

I keep seeing this world moving while I stumble. I can't pretend to be anyone else. My personality defines me to a T. I cannot pretend to be friends with anyone I cannot stand. I cannot help but express my opinion even when It hurts people. When I want something I get it because purely I want it. Its funny to me the people that pretend...then they wonder why they are so stressed. Trust me I have enough problems to hurt somebody's brain and I wouldn't change that. Not even for one mistake to be changed. The world must keep moving and nobody is perfect. To much time left but at the same time way too short. Even for all my downfalls, my selfishness and non-communication, I have always proved to be trustworthy and supportive for my friends,husband, and Kiddos. That is really all life is about. Thank You Monday...You remind me of me.

Busy is an understatement

This week, month has been crazy!

Three weeks ago, I came home to a horrid thing. My sons cat, Felix had a broken jaw and a bad infection. We assume the way it looked somebody hit/kicked him in the face. His jaw was broken in the middle and it was so very hard to see him like this. He was an inside/outside cat due to the fact Smokey and Finn are outside cats. So we decided we were not getting another cat. So we got a puppy! Her name is Tiara and she is a Mini Schnauzer/Pekingese/Shit-zu. This is my first small dog...ever! I am liking the experience and a plus my 2 Alaskan Malamutes adore her! So it is going great.

We are closing on a house ! Can you say exciting. 5 acres, 3/4 pond 5 bedrooms Country House! Beautiful. Finishing up this huge process!

Lorilye is plain Adorable

We will be moving by Jan or Beginning of Feb! Life is great :)

Lost 20 pounds since this picture

But I still love it..

We know its never simple, Never Easy

Lately I have felt very heartless...is it my fault maybe...like 60%. Sometimes thing or maybe people make love almost unbearable. Its almost like I do not believe in love anymore. This does not mean anything is wrong with my relationship or anything with my life. But loves like getting on my nerves. Maybe its Divorce every 5 seconds in this country or maybe the one day relationships that they are so in love and broke up a month later. Who knows. Also maybe since music seems to make my mood. Its probably that. Maybe the lack of faith in people. Its the side of me that I have always loved and hate. It protects me from caring. If you get me to trust you can basically put a Mortar and blow up my walls. Trust is very hard for me to believe in anyway. I do not give it lightly. Get specially annoyed when I know a person is lying to me(just juvenile things) and I just shake my head.

Love in this society is either head in the heels or murder with looks. Its sick really. Keep your love to the person you want to be with. If not you might as well be starting the drama in your life. Get your heart broken with nobody available. Trust me the subject is very uncomfortable. I am glad my friends and my husband aren't surprised by my negligent acts.I have been destroyed once in my life. Destroyed, Bloody, Mauled heart open so everyone could see. But being the one who breaks destroys somebody's heart has always been me. I guess that sounds pretty heartless. True Nature I guess. When things get great its always the best time to have that moment. The experience I have put in my own life..gave my a perspective. It sheltered the What ifs and it also put me on both sides of the fence. Also made me realize what confidence I really do have in myself, put the past in its rightful place, and made me have more insight to who I am. Some people may say what I did was just others would very much disapprove.

Do I feel anything I did was wrong...ehh...I am up in the air..It put my relationship in better terms.But it is also great that I am an honest person...regardless of what I do. Honestly heals a lot of wounds...Having nothing to hide. It was already amazing now it is Disastrously Perfect The last 2 months have been amazing for me...I am buying a beautiful new home. We already peaking onto Closing. ...It is everything I could imagine and more. It is our home....We both want this..just a lot stressful. Paperwork, Inspectors, 50 million people. We also got a new dog. I have never owned a little dog in my entire life. So I took a jump for it..I now own a pekingese/Shit-zu/Mini Schnauzer. She is adorable and is always cuddling with someone. Life is getting so much better and I cannot wait to live in my house.

Some Lyrical Saints:

Wide Awake, My mistake,So predictable. You were fake, I was Great, nothing personal. I'm walking, who's laughing now? A pretty face but the chase ain't worth the price. I'm gonna break your little heart, watch you take the fall Laughing all the way to the hospital Cause there's nothing surgery can do When I break your little heart in two. Sew yourself shut, Now your begging for more...Don't be so sentimental,no. This is love is accidental, so Give it up This was never meant to be More than a memory for you

Manage me, I'm a mess. I wanna be laughed at, Laughed with Just because. But I'm stuck in this fricking rut waiting on a second hand pick me up And I'm over, getting older. Maybe it's not my weekend But its gonna be my year. And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere And this is my reaction To everything I fear Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here. I wanna feel reckless. I wanna live it up Just Because...Just Because

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical I have the tendency of getting very physical So watch your step 'cause if I do you'll need a miracle.When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head Does it kill Does it burn Is it painful to learn That it's me that has all the control Does it thrill Does it sting When you feel what I bring And you wish that you had me to hold

Messy

So my life is one big crazy mess. I have always lived by the words if it is meant to be it will be. So I guess buying a house was meant to be. The house is perfect more details after 45 days..but it is perfect for our family and animals included. The trailer has been sold. Took a week and a half but it is sold. So that gives us the time to fix it up and slowly get things done. The closing is going right as planned and having 3 different people into one is stressful. But Inspector calling today so we get one more thing out of our way.

Happy Souls Day :)