I have tried all in all never to be Vain. But in fact I falter.
Take this as you will I do not look at others and judge. Judging is for the people who truly see people how the want to see them. Not getting to know them first. By my outward appearance I have thick thighs, still have birthing hips and some stomach. I acquired this body after having 2 kids..almost a year and 2 weeks apart. I also have boobs...that seem to peek out whenever they can. I have e or triple d's there honestly is nothing I can do. I have on occasion all kinds of colors in my hair..at the moment it is blood Red. Last week it was Orange, Brown and Blonde. I think 2 weeks before that it was black..It defines my moods. But wearing T-shirts with Emo print, wearing very Victorian style clothes, having lines, stripes, stars, Gir, Electric green, Pink, Black...that is me. I also have a display of 32 loving scars from cutting in my teenage years. (Liking the feel and pain of it, NOT wanting to kill Myself.You would be surprised on how many people even knew I cut)
Does all this equal an unfit mother? In the eyes of some, yes. I remember going into labor with my son and the nurse asking me about my scars and how I was going to deal with stress. I just simply looked at her and said"Those are my past, they remind me simply of who I am." My daughter is constantly in dresses and very cute clothes. She has the hugest Anime-eyes you have ever seen. My son can currently count to 10, knows all his letters, and says almost every word. Go in their rooms and you will see some spoiled children and to put it simply they barley play with their toys at all. I love them more than life. I love reading to them, being with them, sleeping, cuddling, all the best things of being a mother.
Judging is something I may not do to others but to myself I cannot be that nice. I get up everyday and stand in front of the mirror..rubbing my bio-oil on my stretch marks. They are lightning..it also has been 3 weeks and the minimum is 3 months. I judge every inch of my body. I am painfully aware of my entire existence of muscles and tendons. I have moved up to 8 lb weights. I am working on day 7 of supreme 90 and it is one of those things you have gone to far to stop but your body at times wishes for the pain to stop. I have not been on my scale in over two months and last time I checked I had lost 35 pounds. So I guess I can be very vain about myself. I deserve to be. Plus I love buying new clothes.
We all have our faults..lets all just judge ourselves before judging others.... But its okay to be vain when you work so hard for it and ..oh yeah I am very arrogant most of the time
Monday, December 19, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
My Bittersweet Ending
...Underneath the mistletoe hold me tight and kiss me slowly..Got my halo on and know what I want :)...
It is December, my brain keeps just screaming it is almost time for the refresh on life to kick on and start living again. It is a bitter sweet feeling. 2011 is almost over. A startling 3 weeks and boom! 2012 will begin.
This year has been over the top complicated, insane, and even crazy at times. This year started off with me thinking that some relationships in my life were not working out. Seeing someone fail over and over is destructive. That person I have seen grow so much in my life and I am glad to call him my Husband. He is my Bunny. He hates that nickname but dammit I will still call him that. This March I lost (mentally) a best friend of 6 years, yes it was tough but when you pick to abandon all your friends..There was nothing I could do. Maybe it was for the best. That was a huge heart breaker. But I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. I have made the biggest mistake of my life. The part inside of me that got cracked could only be healed piece by piece. I handle it, burned myself to the ground. Self destructed...Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel was doubtful. Because of this I gave up a friend of 8 years...that we were extremely close.
This year I learned Confidence again...I learned the worth I am. I burned myself and pushed past all my limitations. Learned what it is to be completely in love with a man, who utterly does everything for me. I found and sought forgiveness from my friends and husband.I survive the journey everyday of pushing myself to the stars and beyond. I introduced my Best friend to my friend I have know since 6 grade. Played just dance til I got better when Drunk. I have bought a house. That is an accomplishment that we achieved with hard work. Got a small dog and I am in love with her! I cannot forget my reason for living Ezeckial and Lorilye are my greatest accomplishment in this world. They give me a reason to wake up everyday :)
This year I have learned a lot about myself. Honestly, this year has some of the best lessons I will ever learn. I realized that my friends are so understandable! The understand me and hearing over and over about how special I am to them and hearing how much they need me. I need them just as much. David is the only guy I will ever need, and I am glad to call him Mine!
This is my Bitter sweet ending...But I fell apart and got back up again. Barley breathing but I did it. 2012 is already looking brighter...
It is December, my brain keeps just screaming it is almost time for the refresh on life to kick on and start living again. It is a bitter sweet feeling. 2011 is almost over. A startling 3 weeks and boom! 2012 will begin.
This year has been over the top complicated, insane, and even crazy at times. This year started off with me thinking that some relationships in my life were not working out. Seeing someone fail over and over is destructive. That person I have seen grow so much in my life and I am glad to call him my Husband. He is my Bunny. He hates that nickname but dammit I will still call him that. This March I lost (mentally) a best friend of 6 years, yes it was tough but when you pick to abandon all your friends..There was nothing I could do. Maybe it was for the best. That was a huge heart breaker. But I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. I have made the biggest mistake of my life. The part inside of me that got cracked could only be healed piece by piece. I handle it, burned myself to the ground. Self destructed...Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel was doubtful. Because of this I gave up a friend of 8 years...that we were extremely close.
This year I learned Confidence again...I learned the worth I am. I burned myself and pushed past all my limitations. Learned what it is to be completely in love with a man, who utterly does everything for me. I found and sought forgiveness from my friends and husband.I survive the journey everyday of pushing myself to the stars and beyond. I introduced my Best friend to my friend I have know since 6 grade. Played just dance til I got better when Drunk. I have bought a house. That is an accomplishment that we achieved with hard work. Got a small dog and I am in love with her! I cannot forget my reason for living Ezeckial and Lorilye are my greatest accomplishment in this world. They give me a reason to wake up everyday :)
This year I have learned a lot about myself. Honestly, this year has some of the best lessons I will ever learn. I realized that my friends are so understandable! The understand me and hearing over and over about how special I am to them and hearing how much they need me. I need them just as much. David is the only guy I will ever need, and I am glad to call him Mine!
This is my Bitter sweet ending...But I fell apart and got back up again. Barley breathing but I did it. 2012 is already looking brighter...
Monday, December 5, 2011
Judging...in process...
Judging people is a horrid thing in this society. We as humans learn to Hate because it is just plain easier. Rumors swirl around our heads like a unintentional dust cloud. How can you spread Rumors about someone when your hatred got in the way of actually getting to know this person. I went through this in the past because Jealousy does the same thing. I do not care to judge anyone unless the point is valid. Like YOU were actually in the Situation that caused it. Then yes judge away. We are Human.
I was in a situation where I was the nicest person but still jealously was a leading factor in this girl trying to destroy my life. Its sad when people think those things and then get to know you :) Because the fact is one of my Best friends was not corrupted and I am so glad he is there. It also comes to a situation that I was half-hazardly involved in. Cheating is something I understand. When you get married and have an affair I pretty much think you really need to get things in check with your issues. You took the vows...so stick to them. Realistic...well no..not in this world anyway. But in this instance...a marriage was broken..An affair. I babysat the child of this broken marriage and it was so hard not to be involved. Being there for a friend and then having to deal with the other party. Hatred didn't want me to get along with them. At first it was fine and then the hatred grew for both sides insulting each other. The Guy works with David. I have always been against causing David drama. I would not try to do anything to anyone at his work not even comments.
Christmas Party came up. I hate them. I do not know "I know them just don't ever talk to any of them" anyone there. This is a time for me to sit there quietly and feel awkward. This time joking with Davids coworkers and then was public attention when Chicken thrown into my boobs. < Hibachi grill> I was determined to be miserable. I made sure I was different then all the others pulling that Christmas sweater out of the closet and wearing it. I made sure my hair was chomped. Blazing with brown, Reds and Blondes. Wore Emo hoodie..because in fact that is who I am. Plus my boob(e) was in full blaze...let me tell you even buying a decent shirt a little low cut..E Boobs are like hello. If you wear a Tshirt they look ten times bigger. You just cannot win. Anyway, I was determined to get drunk finish up the day and just move on. I had a fun time. Maybe it was having decent(?) people around me and well three martinis. Then going to a comedy club. (3 more) but the person that I had issues with, my husband seems to really actually like being around. Which makes me the bad guy. David does agree how bad everything got, the position I was in was hard. He knows my point of mind. I just sat there thinking " Dear God, am I doing something bad here"
So I went to walmart...did something that is out of character for me. Even though I disliked someone I casted it all aside and acknowledged that relationship. We even made contact and you could see it in both of our faces that it was the "this is awkward" But I started the conversation and he even offered to help us move...It may seem insignificant..to most. But for me it was like wow, I can do this for David. Not because He asked me to, but for myself as well.
David has never tried to change anything about me. He loves the random and sometimes ends up loving the not so random. He hates my temper but then loves it when I stand up for something I believe in. My stubborness is a curse..but it also can cause great things. He is my husband, the only person I really have to please besides my kids. If I make him happy, I am happy in turn. I hate people that judge he for what he does. It amazes me how much he can forgive and how nice he can be even to the biggest jerks.
This year is coming to a end..very fast. I may shut my eyes and it will be January 1st. I am ending this year on a sigh. This year I did things I am proud of, things I regret, Things that got forgiven, To say goodbye is bittersweet. The first I am determined to tip my iceberg and swim ashore. Still being me just striving to balance all the right things. Sometimes its hard to find that balance. Sometimes hiding and ignoring the world around yourself. Makes everything become in perspective. Brings tears to my eyes..all I have accomplish and all I will accomplished.
This is my last couple months in this house. The house that I spent 2 pregnancies through. The place where my two toddlers started walking across the floor. The adventures of raising children. The first words here. Davids first christmas with a real tree. Last time we started this adventure meeting at the fair. The second big thing was started at a TGIF table. When we got that call and our life was changing. SO much has happened here. It is almost selfish to hold onto it. This place is amazing. This life is amazing. I am not dying and I have so much to live for. All the right places and all the right friends.
I was in a situation where I was the nicest person but still jealously was a leading factor in this girl trying to destroy my life. Its sad when people think those things and then get to know you :) Because the fact is one of my Best friends was not corrupted and I am so glad he is there. It also comes to a situation that I was half-hazardly involved in. Cheating is something I understand. When you get married and have an affair I pretty much think you really need to get things in check with your issues. You took the vows...so stick to them. Realistic...well no..not in this world anyway. But in this instance...a marriage was broken..An affair. I babysat the child of this broken marriage and it was so hard not to be involved. Being there for a friend and then having to deal with the other party. Hatred didn't want me to get along with them. At first it was fine and then the hatred grew for both sides insulting each other. The Guy works with David. I have always been against causing David drama. I would not try to do anything to anyone at his work not even comments.
Christmas Party came up. I hate them. I do not know "I know them just don't ever talk to any of them" anyone there. This is a time for me to sit there quietly and feel awkward. This time joking with Davids coworkers and then was public attention when Chicken thrown into my boobs. < Hibachi grill> I was determined to be miserable. I made sure I was different then all the others pulling that Christmas sweater out of the closet and wearing it. I made sure my hair was chomped. Blazing with brown, Reds and Blondes. Wore Emo hoodie..because in fact that is who I am. Plus my boob(e) was in full blaze...let me tell you even buying a decent shirt a little low cut..E Boobs are like hello. If you wear a Tshirt they look ten times bigger. You just cannot win. Anyway, I was determined to get drunk finish up the day and just move on. I had a fun time. Maybe it was having decent(?) people around me and well three martinis. Then going to a comedy club. (3 more) but the person that I had issues with, my husband seems to really actually like being around. Which makes me the bad guy. David does agree how bad everything got, the position I was in was hard. He knows my point of mind. I just sat there thinking " Dear God, am I doing something bad here"
So I went to walmart...did something that is out of character for me. Even though I disliked someone I casted it all aside and acknowledged that relationship. We even made contact and you could see it in both of our faces that it was the "this is awkward" But I started the conversation and he even offered to help us move...It may seem insignificant..to most. But for me it was like wow, I can do this for David. Not because He asked me to, but for myself as well.
David has never tried to change anything about me. He loves the random and sometimes ends up loving the not so random. He hates my temper but then loves it when I stand up for something I believe in. My stubborness is a curse..but it also can cause great things. He is my husband, the only person I really have to please besides my kids. If I make him happy, I am happy in turn. I hate people that judge he for what he does. It amazes me how much he can forgive and how nice he can be even to the biggest jerks.
This year is coming to a end..very fast. I may shut my eyes and it will be January 1st. I am ending this year on a sigh. This year I did things I am proud of, things I regret, Things that got forgiven, To say goodbye is bittersweet. The first I am determined to tip my iceberg and swim ashore. Still being me just striving to balance all the right things. Sometimes its hard to find that balance. Sometimes hiding and ignoring the world around yourself. Makes everything become in perspective. Brings tears to my eyes..all I have accomplish and all I will accomplished.
This is my last couple months in this house. The house that I spent 2 pregnancies through. The place where my two toddlers started walking across the floor. The adventures of raising children. The first words here. Davids first christmas with a real tree. Last time we started this adventure meeting at the fair. The second big thing was started at a TGIF table. When we got that call and our life was changing. SO much has happened here. It is almost selfish to hold onto it. This place is amazing. This life is amazing. I am not dying and I have so much to live for. All the right places and all the right friends.
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