So I have been doing the unthinkable. Insanity :) Of course I am on Week 3, Day 4. Old news. Awesome Fit Test results.

Anywhoo... yesterday my cousin and I decided to sign up for a half marathon next year...Yeah Intense! So today I decided to start the long journey. Today I did Pure Cardio and Cardio abs..Ooh and ran 2 miles. So today I burned 3,068 calories. 3,000 calories are a pound.

So pretty accomplished today.

Fit Test 2

Fit Test 2 Results: After 2 beautiful weeks of Insanity. Seeing results are awesome and crying sweat:

Switch Kicks:64 (+8 from last time) Power Jacks:45 (+10) Power Knees:72 (+14) Power Jumps: 30 (+10) Globe Jumps:(4 jumps in 1) : 10 (+3/12) Suicide Jacks: 16 (+3) Push-up Jacks: 20 (5) Low Plank Obliques: 60 (10)

loss of self

I read a Blog on Divorce, today. Separation. Loneliness. It broke me up inside. Literally.

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart. Don't say this wont last forever. You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart. Don't tell me that we will never be together. We could be over And over, we could be forever.

One of my favorite songs. Break-ups are devastating. I wonder how many times in my mind I planned on leaving David. I lost myself, I lost who I was. The Person in the mirror was someone I did not recognize.I was just souless, that is the best way to describe. I wanted to run away and never look back. He was someone I did not recognize. I did not want this life or anything that went with it. My kids being the exception. It took me 6 years to get to the position. Our relationship wasn't always easy. In fact I let a lot of stuff get in the way and yes, David had a lot of new things put into his life that scared him. Then one day I woke up and said "I don't love you anymore"

It wasn't even that I did not love him, I did not love myself. I hated my after-pregnancy body. Even though my friends always complimented me...I just felt that it wasn't me. Not me at all. It was like looking at someone from a far. That ruined me. I knew my body produced and nurtured Two beautiful children, I should have accepted this. I didn't my anger turned inside and destroyed who I knew I was. "You knew me when I still knew who I was". I floated away from David. I just couldn't fathom staying with someone. "Why would someone stay with somebody who is fat?"

It took a massive break down for me to get to the point of going holy shit I need to stop this. Nobody knew I am a very strong person and put everything inside rather than talking about it. I finally hit a wall that said "Alright so you don't have a newborn anymore and you have a supporting husband. SO now your going to reach for the stars...and earn the body you want" So brings me to my life...Sometimes I forget what I am fighting for...Sometimes I need the strength on myself to make it through some moments. Sometimes I think this battle isn't worth it.

But I am doing this for me. I need to continue this journey to find myself. I am doing this for my kids so they can see how strong their mom is. I do it for my husband, been together for 7 years this September. I love him with all of my heart. I am a stay at home and I get lucky enough to have time to workout. Even between crazy hours of babysitting. I still manage.

This is me. This is important. I am stronger everyday. Week 2 Day 5 Of insanity. One of the hardest things I have ever done. WHat Motivates me, my destroyed self, every damn day I will do it.

Insanity PURE Cardio

Today is going to take some extra I can do this :)My fever has been spiking on and off the last 2-3 days. It is intense. Last night though was the last night this week that I had to babysit until 3a.m. Which is a relief. Even though its friday so I doubt I will get much sleep.

Today is Pure Cardio of Insanity. That means non stop cardio workouts for 20 minutes. Ugh yeah fun. Then today is the first day I have to do the abs after it. I may be scooping my lifeless body off the floor. Plus the poor floor will be covered in sweat. Geezum. But the better news I am on Week 2 Day 5! 1 more day and I am on Week 3! It seems to be going so fast I love it :P

This journey is a hell of a journey but I love it.

Fall Out Boy: Grand Theft Autumn / Where Is Your Boy [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

You see that man! Bam Margera he will be hosting Rockaplooza. That man is Hott!

I may be a little Too excited for this but I haven't been to an all day Concert in Forever. Doors open at 10am. and have an all night thing. Plus with a bestie it is going to be amazing. Puddle of Mudd will be there. They don't impress me but whateve. I am excited for We came as Romans, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Saliva, Ghosts of August, and Rehab.

I remember at one going to a concert that was so loud. My boyfriend's friends and I thought we would die if anything made noise in the car. It was that bad. The other concerts I went to just couldn't hear. Honestly the last concert at a concert hall was Hawthorne Heights, Relient K, Emery, and Plain White T's. I think that was 2007. We have seen tons of bands at headliners(smaller venue) and at the bars but that just isn't the same as a concert in a hall! Or how about 3 stages for bands! Outside. It is for sure asking for sunburn. Plus this a day for me and my friend to enjoy. No husband, No kiddos, no responsibilities. Big deal for me.

I love being a stay at home mom and a babysitter. Its just nice to have those times that I can just get away to do what I want.

Hell on Earth :Life

We live in the kinda word that Teenage pregnancy is common, Guys lack or all together abandon on their parental responsibilities, Dudes that want to be fathers but can't because of pissed off woman, Divorce is more common than an Std, Slutting around is the new modesty, Relationships are its more fun to just end it or cheat on it then actually work on it, Tattoos & Hair Color & Piercing automatically make you a bad person, and Exercise is a form of greatness. Makes since welcome to the World.

This is 2012 welcome too it. Not pretty! I cannot even fathom what my kids will be growing up in.

On a different not being a stay at home mom is rough. Its almost amazing I get so much done and still have two children. We have recently put in a garden, so I have to go out there everyday. Water 3 trees, Holly bushes, the garden, 2 rose gardens and then the baby trees and Grape vines. Oh yeah It easily takes 10-15 minutes unless I have to weed then It is even longer. I also keep our house super clean. 5 bedroom house plus a playroom full basement and of course that evil kitchen. I also make sure that exercise is my main priority so even if it has to be move around it will get done. Today I put on a shirt I just bought Saturday and it was already looser. Yeah, its worth it.

I am sick on top of doing insanity. Like mucus in lungs and coughing, sore throat at night. Still doing Insanity. Today was pure cardio and I was whooped. That Shit is Bananas...but alas it got done at 7am. I have Chase(a kid I babysit) at 3pm to 3am. Naptime happens at 2pm and she will get here about 230. Insanity is 40 minutes long so yeah....it is not happening unless I get up at 7am the next two more days. Story of being a mom. I get paid for what I do best.

This week is going to rock me but my celebration at 1st month is to go to Rockapalozza (Sure that is spelled wrong) going with one of my best friends. I cannot wait. In Insanity you do one hard 1st month then a rest week than a hell week lol. So at the end of the second month Gir (Invader Zim) is still being put on my arm. Goals and rewards fall hand in hand. If you have a goal let nothing stop it! It is too easy to fall into a rut and just give up. Find Motivation remind yourself what you want. I actually found out my current short were horrid for Insanity so I bought a smaller pair and let me tell you my little muffin top needs to go. I get reminded everytime I workout in them. Motivates me 10x more! Insanity is not easy it is hell on earth.

Moving past lazy

So I have gotten over my on the weekends I get sort of lazy phase. Not lazy in the sense I sit on my butt and do nothing. It just means I do so much that time for exercise is almost not-existent. My husband is actually home on the weekend so for me It is awesome to just chill with him and the kiddos. It is nice when the whole family is together. I take the weekend as precious moments. Guess that is what happens when your husband works up to 12 hours a day.

Every Friday two or more of my close friends come over and we eat, play and stay up to all hours of the night. Rockbands are on our list of that thing we love to play. Sometimes we Drink or we stay sober :) So this weekend, we never really plan our weekend. We know we have to go shopping and maybe go to the bank. Not really much on the list. This weekend we had of course our friends come over. David and 2 of his other friends went to go rock out in the barn while 2 of my friends and I went and rocked out on rockband. Game takes talent that is for sure. I have learned the Guitar and Currently learning the Drums. Yeah, I know not real instruments, but its a great susbitute for us who cant play a real instrument.

I finally got to a point on Saturday that I said I have to workout. I was currently on Day 6 and didn't want to take a break. My brain was even saying I can do it on my rest day, No I need my rest day. So then I went into my toyroom, shut both the doors and started my Insanity workout. Came out sweaty and dead. But it was worth it! Then Sunday I got a deserving rest.

Sunday we spent planting 4 pepper plants. 2 orange bell peppers, 1 red bell peppers, and 1 green pepper. Also a cucumber and husky cherry tomatoes along with my Asparagus, thyme, dill and parsley. I love growing a garden! I also have 10 different color Roses that I planted in basically an ugly part of the yard. Fricking Ohio had literally 10 frosts...but they Survived with careful measures. Anyday now they will be blooming. I am excite. I also got done mowing for 3 hours! We spent the rest of sunday swimming! It is so amazing to walk into your own backyard and have everything you need. :) This is ours.

Day 8 of insanity is today. Has to get it done at naptime. House M.D is having a series finale. I will miss this show! I have been watching since Season 1 and I own 5 seasons. :( So it will be missed here. This season has just been crazy!

Insanity Day 2.

This picture says a million words. Something along the lines of 1. I didn't know my face could get that red, 2. I am dead but in a good way. and 3. This is so worth it.

Every minute I was doing Insanity...reminded me what my goals were. No amount of puking, Dripping sweat or pain will stop this machine.Drank over 32 ounces of water during the workout. Insanity is exactly that.

Day 2 is over I am so ready for the burn of tomorrow. Shaun T Bring it.

Insanity Day 1: Fit Test 1

So I hit 30 days of Supreme 90 and decided to say Fuck it

I started Day one of Insanity.

Stats: Switch Kicks:56 Power Jacks :35 Power Knees: 58 Power Jumps:20 Globe Jumps: 7 Suicide Jacks: 13 Push-ups Jacks: 15 Low Plank :50

And so is my husband in fact he he right in front of me doing it :) I love him, I was sweating from the forehead and dripping. This is intense. I think for the next 60 days I will be intensively sore. Awesome.

Bring It Insanity :)

Healthier

Healthy is a word I am striving to be as of recently. I have found out the effects of some of the fatty food is killing me. I have recently got my involuntary throwing up problem again. My body just hates fatty and overeating. I thought it had went away. Know let me clarify, Overeating can be a half of a Subway Sub. It is also affected by stress or nervousness. I've had it since I was little. I would refuse dinner because I was upset. If I ate it would come back up. Actually for as long as I could remember I would just eat whenever I was hunger. Which was very rare for me to be hungry besides at like breakfast, dinner or lunch. Sometimes forgetting to eat and then ending up getting light headed. In no way am I purging, In fact I love food. I just hate eating for this whole issue. It is one of those times that it may actually need a trip to the doctor because it is getting worst.

I have recently found out that my garden gives me an unlimited supply of Asparagus. I fricking love asparagus :)

I love cooking it with a little oil and Italian Herbs. I eat it everyday in everything and love it!

I was always afraid to try egg whites. I don't really know why I just was. Maybe something completely new. So 2 days ago I decided to try it! I love it...adore it.

I add Bell peppers. I am addicted to bell Peppers of any color. They are soooooo good to me. So mixing them with Bell Peppers and Asparagus were amazing!

Salad is something I am indulging in. I love Iceberg salad. It has a watery taste and mixed with Cabbage (yuk) and carrots. I also add in some Bell Peppers, Asparagus, a pinch of mozzarella cheese and Cucumbers. Delicious and healthy.

I have also on Supreme 90 I am on day like 28 I think. No excuses. I had to miss 3 days last week due to being sick but Am fully (sorta) recovered. I have been working out every day since. I have moved officially to my big Girl weights.

It does suck though. After 2 weeks they are started to feel light. So I may be up to 12 pounds. I know that I need a weight to challenge me so I burn more calories. I can do ten Jump planks! I am able to do side planks without throwing my pelvic out. I am preparing for Insanity! Which I am excited David Is doing with me!

Oh yeah Pasta! Onions and Asparagus :)

And other things...

I hate that Gir but It is a working progres... GIR is my motivation.

I am currently or For the last 3 days taking care of my kids plus a 5 year old and 2 year old. My friend had Breast Cancer she is 23 and had both her breast removed. Went through Chemo and Radiation. She is now cancer free and yesterday spent 15 hours in surgery to get new boobs. Yay!

ANyway on the brighter side of life. Today is day 25 of Supreme 90. I am sore. So sore a car could hit me and I would probably not feel it. Insanity arrives today....which is crazy. Less than 64 days I will be starting it! Eeeek!

I am sexy and I know it. So many goals so little time. Yet all the time in the world. I want my Gir!

Bum

Its funny I live by no excuses everyday. I exercise because I want...no need change. I have Gir for Motivation.

I had an experience at my in-laws that I am in love with. Let me start with we were on our way there. They live about 10 minutes away from us and I cannot stand the "bum" that lives there. The rules when my kids are there are she is not allowed to discipline my children. Which from what I saw and heard my mother in law has been disciplining her child. Spanking and Hit him in the mouth when he spit in my nephews food. My nephew stayed with us because the "bum" was yelling at him. Yeah, no that doesn't fly. Her son also picked on my lovely daughter who is a sweet heart and barley gets in trouble. Btw my mother in law has never had to hit my children. Just saying. While we were there I completely ignore the bum, I cannot even tell you what any detail of her is....i know she was avoiding me. I would avoid me too. I have a bad temper and she is not on the fond side. Her boyfriend is apparently there every night. Which for me I am like move the fuck out. She has no problem living off of others. Guess that's what whores do. Plus they haven't even been going out a month and he is the new daddy to her son...blah. I tried to keep my mouth shut until she walked outside leaving her kid with my mother in law who is not mommy. I went off. I was like what a piece of shit mom, you are not mommy. (When she lived with us, I was her sons mother basically)Then apparently they leave a 2 year old! in the house alone for 30 minutes while they do chores....what...some people. They do not have the safest house. Letting him also go out with just a diaper/shirt and no shoes in a barn...I dunno its just gross to me. Oh yeah and the reason I call her a bum...she has no job, no college, no high school diploma/ged/ her friends pay for her phone, no money what so ever. Sad.

I am not saying I am the best mom. But since my kids were born I have not depended on anyone to pay my bills or to help me out. We will get a babysitter from time to time but we pay them. My kids are actually decent kids. We rarely have bad days. We do have them not all rainbows and butterflies. I don't think any toddler is absolutely amazing. We have worked for everything we have gotten and rarely asked for help. I don't ask for help I am too independent.

The moment I love. Her boyfriend looking at me but not saying a word. I won't have either. Me not even acknowledging the bum. Cannot even tell you a single thing about her. My mind is blank. Even questioning myself was she even there.

Working out --Inspired

There are some things I feel in this lifetime I am meant to do. I felt recently that I was meant to be a mommy. Meant to help out people by babysitting. It is not a job all can do. In fact bringing somebody else's toddler into a house they are not use to or even use to the little quirks. It can be the worst or the best job in the world.I do it to help others. I do not charge an arm and a leg for a job I do everyday. That would be utterly stupid. My husband makes enough that I can be a stay at home mom and help other moms out. It is lovely. I am also glad my kids are amazing to let me bring other children in. Most people are overwhelmed by one. I have Two almost a year and 3 weeks apart :) They are the best acting children out there...but I guess I am a parent I am required to say that.

In other news. ...I am sore. My lats, Biceps, Triceps, and Abs are like ....ahhhhhahhaha you will suffer! I have been working out with 10 pounds and I can tell already my strengths and weakness with the weight. It is mostly my triceps that are week. My biceps are like can we move to 12 pounds. No Biceps wait til the rest of the team catches up. I was meant to inspire. I motivated my cousin and she has already lost 55 pounds. Her attitude is going up and the changes/the pictures are just amazing. i may inspire her but she defiantly keeps me motivated. People are so jumpy to get at you for the bad. But when it is to working out people don't feel the same passion and damn the excuses. Face Palm. Why not instead of running your mouth about how you want to lose weight....go exercise. I have heard over 100+ excuses...and yet at one time I was the girl who exercised at 1 am. just because I was too busy. If you have enough time to watch tv you have enough time to workout. Energy gets renewed after exercising. I have inspired so many ...because I tell the truth. Exercise is not easy! If It is you are not working out hard enough. It is tough some days you will barely be able to move. But that soreness that is CHANGE. You want that...you crave it need it. I know we can all say well I had kids...the kids made me gain this weight....Yeah so did mine. My body got raped...and no I have been living with the quote...No Excuses. I am currently Breezing in a painful way toward the end of Supreme 90. I am almost to the first 30 days! Then I will be dominating Insanity. <----Hence the name. I am even considering becoming a Beachbody Trainer because this fall I am going to school to be a personal Trainer. I really do think Blood, Sweat and Tears to get where you want...You deserve it.

I have decided to do what I did in the past. When I hit my first 30 I am giving up my scale til I am done. The scale is one of those evil messes with your mood. Honestly I want to see the bigger change. I already see it everyday I wear something. I look different and I am loving it. My favorite coat and hoodie are getting too big. I have been rewarding myself with Gir...best motivation ever. Savaging the old me to become the best I can be. Plus I am so close I can taste it!!!!! That is all <3