loss of self

I read a Blog on Divorce, today. Separation. Loneliness. It broke me up inside. Literally.

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart. Don't say this wont last forever. You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart. Don't tell me that we will never be together. We could be over And over, we could be forever.

One of my favorite songs. Break-ups are devastating. I wonder how many times in my mind I planned on leaving David. I lost myself, I lost who I was. The Person in the mirror was someone I did not recognize.I was just souless, that is the best way to describe. I wanted to run away and never look back. He was someone I did not recognize. I did not want this life or anything that went with it. My kids being the exception. It took me 6 years to get to the position. Our relationship wasn't always easy. In fact I let a lot of stuff get in the way and yes, David had a lot of new things put into his life that scared him. Then one day I woke up and said "I don't love you anymore"

It wasn't even that I did not love him, I did not love myself. I hated my after-pregnancy body. Even though my friends always complimented me...I just felt that it wasn't me. Not me at all. It was like looking at someone from a far. That ruined me. I knew my body produced and nurtured Two beautiful children, I should have accepted this. I didn't my anger turned inside and destroyed who I knew I was. "You knew me when I still knew who I was". I floated away from David. I just couldn't fathom staying with someone. "Why would someone stay with somebody who is fat?"

It took a massive break down for me to get to the point of going holy shit I need to stop this. Nobody knew I am a very strong person and put everything inside rather than talking about it. I finally hit a wall that said "Alright so you don't have a newborn anymore and you have a supporting husband. SO now your going to reach for the stars...and earn the body you want" So brings me to my life...Sometimes I forget what I am fighting for...Sometimes I need the strength on myself to make it through some moments. Sometimes I think this battle isn't worth it.

But I am doing this for me. I need to continue this journey to find myself. I am doing this for my kids so they can see how strong their mom is. I do it for my husband, been together for 7 years this September. I love him with all of my heart. I am a stay at home and I get lucky enough to have time to workout. Even between crazy hours of babysitting. I still manage.

This is me. This is important. I am stronger everyday. Week 2 Day 5 Of insanity. One of the hardest things I have ever done. WHat Motivates me, my destroyed self, every damn day I will do it.