Saturday had so many good and bad points. So I will start with the bad. Saturday My son woke up with dots everywhere. Everywhere. I immediately thought chicken pox, then started looking up pictures. Surprise, Internet shows you the absolutely worst pictures of the virus and such. So after 4 hours the rash got 20 times worst. Started being raised bumps and started to be everywhere. So it was back to the Er. Which for the past week he was on Amoicillin . Sister drug of Penicillin. Which My mom is allergic to and so am I. Which Doctors if they don't know for sure if your kids are allergic to it they will experiment with your kids. Needless to say PCN rashes suck. He was put on a strong antibiotic to fight it and he is finally just a red child. You could

tell it was itchy, burning at times and just plain sucky.


My poor little man.

In my weight losing. I am up to 19.0 Pounds whooo!!! And I guess better than that on Saturday I talked to my mom for 3 1/2 hours. She kept my mind off of Zeke plus I had the same reaction that Zeke had. So it was nice to hear how this was going to progress. I love my mother. We may not have had a good relationship when I was in high school but we have an amazing relationship now. I am very glad about it.

So hopes that Zekens gets better and husband gets here soon. Yay to the rain.

18.2

18.2 pounds today...I cried on the scale today. Literally, started bawling. I cannot believe how far I have came.

Last January, I had worked so hard to lose weight and lost nothing. Depo-Provera makes you loss weight or keep your weight or even gain weight. I sat my couch and cried. I told David I don't wanna be fat the rest of my life. I have only been fat for 3 years and 2 of those years I was Pregnant. So I cried and David got so defensive of me. More than I have ever seen him. My friend went out and bought Ea Active and we started almost 3 weeks after my mental breakdown. Of course she may have quit but I haven't and still going strong.

I am one more step toward being 119 pounds again. 2 MORE POUNDS TIL 20 i am excited.

throwing things..

When you touch me you shock me
So much is out of our control
Take my hand. Whisper. Forever.
Sweat pours in frustration
Hold my shoulders down so I don't float away
Give me a taste of what I deserve
Kiss me goodbye on the forehead
Imprint me forever

Walking away from the disaster
Guilty as charged
Give me a sign, Give me a chance
Touching skin stroking it
Burning up from the inside
Pure Romance

Lets show them what we can do
Show them why we can't say no
Falling in the shadows..
Blocked from the lies
Chemicals collide as we fall apart
Closing our eyes

.........................................................................................

You and God both have the guns
pointed at my head
I'll take a deadly sin over death
I'd rather dance with the Devil.
The storm is brewing
You are always,always my anchor..
You are always You.

You see me for who I am
You have always loved me
...for me...
You have held my hand
in this storm called life
You held me when
I was in so much Pain
I could barely find myself

...........................................................................

Memories

However you decide to destroy me
Take me in little by little
Breathe in those thoughts
Even the good ones
I can have a chance
You are an angel of death, Memories.
..........................................................................

I have blood on my hands
Nowhere to go, lost
Running is the only thing to do
Put you far back in my mind
Only a Vision of a life

These words will never leave this mind
Am I ready? Destroyed in a single movement
Fragile, Shattered, Broken

Back up out of the blackness
Cannot grip on these desolate walls
Barren as a desert
Slipping, Falling

A hand of ...forgivness?
Why do I deserve this..
Gripping and feel instant...gratitude and love
Surrounded in love
Thinking its ..not ...bad

...Snow sleeping

I think very few people are completely normal really, deep down in their private lives. It all depends on a combination of circumstances.

~ Amanda in Noel Coward's 1931 play Private Lives

"And I keep my jealousy close, 'cause it's all mine. and if you say this makes you happy, then I'm not the only lying."I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake.

"And besides my reputation's on the line"

The first Day David and I met we sung a song together. Fallout Boy Sugar Were going down. Very Ironic...in all senses.

"Am I more than you bargained for yet?"

I have been having serious sleep problems. I can ultimately sleep for three hours a night or I feel tired all day. If I sleep three hours I feel fine. Problem is I usually sleep five hours. I wake up at 7:30 and blow into the world of exercise and alone time. Kids sleep til 10:30. Then I feel slightly tired all day but get distracted by house work and such.

Then it comes when David gets home I am exhausted but as soon as I imagine I really want to sleep. It hits Twilight. BAM! I am wide awake. Ridiculous. Last night glad I was awake when I heard...Whoosh. That sound I was dreading with a stopped heartbeat. 32 ounces of water dumped over by non-other than Felix. That was a fun time cleaning up. Thank gosh my computer was safe. Oh and all my things I am working on that may have been an ultimate disaster.

Learn Something new everyday. In fact I have felt so alive lately even due to my lack of sleep. I have been enjoying my alone time. I am alone about 10 hours a day without a husband but my kids are reminding me about everything. I enjoy my friends and playing my current games with them. But a lot of the times it is just I get to sit down in an air conditioned room and enjoy a book or two. Its the piece of mind I get. Maybe thats why at midnight I can take a stroll and feel completely and utterly alive.

My favorite walks are on snowy cloudy days. When the snow is just barley falling and the view is amazing. It just sparkles with such innocence. Reminds me of my favorite game..Fatal Frame..in all forms. Everyone I live around hates snow..such a pity. I would never live anywhere without snow. Wouldn't even trade those days were you cannot even breathe outside because it hurts. It is so much fun to take pictures in the snow and have huge snowball fights. Fun for sure.

Wedding

II XIV MMX

That is my wedding day. February 14th 2010. After 6 years of a "perfect" relationship we did the final stage. I say perfect because to me, perfect is even the faults. Every relationship has disagreements whether big or small. It is life.

I have been doing so much to lose weight..okay not all the time 100% but we have had weddings. Believe me way too many weddings.Its quite stressful. So my 16.8 pounds is a basic "I am trying"
Haven't gained any weight so I think I am doing just fine. My husband and I were cuddling and he decided to surprise me. He told me that "I am amazing" Which of course I already knew, that's not the surprise. "If and when I get at my goal weight or close enough he will get me the wedding dress of my choice and he doesn't care how much it costs. We will get the "Engagement pictures I want" I was giddy I was. He was flooded with kisses.

This moment will remain in my mind everyday for the rest of my life. Let me explain, back in 2008 we wanted to get married. I was mother of a three month old and working on my second pregnancy. We were talking about it. Then David told me he couldn't marry me because "I didn't know the truth and I wouldn't want him around me" That lead to a heartstopping world of pain and misery. Long story short, we recovered. When your meant to be anything can happen.

In December 2009 David came home from church. He told me he wanted to marry me and nothing was going to stop it this time. He said he wanted to get married that week. I told him ah..no. I wanted to wait til Febraury 14. He agreed and we were married at 2:30 at my grandparents house. My grandmother was in charge of decorating and getting everything together. She put those cute little puffy red rose trees and then the cake was so beautiful. Even when I pushed it all over Davids face, haha. She did our glasses and I was just so grateful. We got married in the presence of my children, my parents, his parents, my brother and sister in law, my grandparents, and davids grandparents. We were surrounded in love that day. My brother recorded it all. We married in front of a off white speckled black fireplace with a huge mirror above it.Guess thats how we do it when the Pastor is the father of the groom. It was all so lovely, it was so us.

So in honor of not only Davids words, but this year on our anniversary we will pledge our love again to each other. Since the last month we have lost our wedding rings. What a bummer. Mine wasn't that cheap so we decided to get our roman numerals tattooed on our ring fingers. The rest of our lives we are completely serious about. I could not find a better man, a better best friend, and a person I could spend easily the rest of my life together with.

I love you, David.
II XIV MMX

This dress is a maybe choice its me. I hate white. But maybe when we go to the dress store I will feel different. I dunno.


i thought that the world had lost its sway
(its so hard sometimes)
then i fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that away
(its not so difficult, the world is not so difficult)
you take away the old
show me the new
and i feel like i can fly
when i stand next to you
so what if I'm on this phone
a hundred miles from home
i take the words you gave
and send them back to you

My world

Today I spent 2 hours in the ER with my son. Let me tell you I am the kind of person who is a "I am calmly freaking out"

It is amazing the sense of the connection of love between a mother and a children. Ever since my child was a little bean in my stomach. I have loved them. I cried so hard at the ultra sound. I couldn't even be away from him for a week, I was sobbing on the phone with my mom while hearing my son in the background. I was sick with the flu , I had no choice. They always come first after God, of course. I am a stay at home mom so I am there for everything. I can actually count how many times we have had a babysitter. I enjoy my time with them. Since I want them to have their parents with them. Plus these are the most precious times. I hear every word and I work with them everyday. They are my world in every since. Of course, their father is too.

So as soon as we get to our friends wedding, we watch David Cousin get married and as we are leaving we get a text. Zeke is having issues peeing, screaming and saying boo boo. We went to the ER after a 15 minute drive. I think every thought of the worst scenarios was in my head. Of course, Zeke was as good as ever and a little infection of some sort. So he was fine and loved the doctors. He is my little man, and his mommy is definatly wants to protect him forever.

Something my husband said to me today " Everyday I look at you, and I'm amazed at this woman who despite my failures has let me love you again."

16.8 pounds lost

So today I got on the scale and I have lost 16.8 pounds..that is exciting. Of course I have way more to learn and my schedule now is an hour and a half of biking and Ea Cardio Start. I miss that game. I have perfected drinking 122 ounces of water a day. Smiles for me. Eating healthier and drinking homemade juice is the best. Cucumber juice has to be my favorite. My lack of sleep is improving somewhat. Its just have to get my body use to 7 hours instead of 3. I am working on it.

I also hit that dreaded time of month and my body is protesting. I could live without that. I think every woman could.

Other things made my first meatloaf and it was amazing. I didn't think it would turn out amazing due to never making it before needless to say it was great to everybody but Lorilye because she is a vegetarian. She didn't even like my homemade Potatoes. So I guess we are almost to the terrible twos.. So it is expected to be difficult. Now if only ..oooh wait she does beat her brother up. Haha..shes a character.

Don't look at our crouches while we Synchronize our watches.

Time to go cuddle with my amazing family :)