I am fighting off schizophrenia, I know it is a failing battle. Very failing in fact but the drugs help. Not Invincible, someday I will be talking about "they" and convincing myself I haven't lost it. My grandmother had Paranoid schizophrenia. She ended up being sent to the mental asylum after she left my mother in a crib for three day. No diaper changes, no food, and all alone hiding under her crib. My mother was saved by grandpa and needless to say grandma went into shock treatment...stupid stupid stupid. Seriously, who goes lets put electricity through you and you will be normal for a bit, but oh yeah we FRIED your fucking brain. You doctors are fucked up. My grandma was a very creative person though. She made my mothers outfits and my grandma was also so very beautiful. She was a strong woman that got effected in all the wrong ways. She even forgot she was married or had to clean all of the silverware, and organize it all. My grandmother who I had never met, I felt like I knew her. My mom hadn't seen her since she was little, not by her choice, by her fathers and the decisions he made. My mother was the only one who could pull her plug....My mom went to the hospital, talked about life and everything she accomplished. Told her mother it was okay to move on, by the way grandma was in a coma. Mom says she felt grandmas hand squeeze hers and 5 minutes later, Grandma had passed on.
My mother and Grandma 1964.
I wish a knew her, but in a way I do, all the stories the family say.I love her with all of my heart.
Back to Invincible, I can say I felt invincible during birth. I went and conquered it. All Natural, let me tell you back labor was the worst feeling in the world. Zekes labor was easy all natural, lorilye was all back work. No medicine during, just newbane after that because I had to have 5 stitches, from ripping, oh how lovely. The newbane is the only thing that slowed me down. Really, I was constantly being reminded how I just went through labor and need to just sit and lie down. My body was exhausted. I was like I feel fine. The newbane made me start speaking jibberish and started falling asleep. But I still won and all natural births.
Even it goes as far as saying if you asked me 3 years ago if I would be overweight. My brain would say Yeah you are crazy. Now I have lost 23 pounds plus, havent checked my weight in over a week now, who knows. But I have also learned what a journey this is of course being a little sore(a lot) is totally worth losing every single pound I want to lose. I am not giving up , I am also not being a person that makes up excuses why I am fat, and then be all depressed about it. But SIT on my ASS and do nothing about it! If you feel bad about your weight, then look what you are shoving in your face to get that way. Or in my case pregnancy, Depo Provera, or any other thing to cause it.
On this journey, I have heard every excuse of why somebody cant exercise. Everyone can exercise. Even just moving your arms..if my 350 lb friend can, you can too. I realize I am not invincible and have to lose all this weight to be healthy. Plus my weight is a spongy self hating filled sack of absolutely nothing. Yup, Can you tell I hate my fat? Stretch marks I can deal with. They do not bother me in fat, they went from being an angry red, to a barley noticeable peachish white color, fyi I have never had stretch marks. ..Plus why worry about them when 73 pounds to reach a healthy weight.
It is hard to even admit I was 243.3 pounds..Really hard in fact. That number is ugly and incomplete. It is not me. I weigh a week ago 220.0 pounds now, I am not happy with that number BUT it is ever changing. 20 more pounds til I get under 200 that will be a huge defeat for me. HUGE! Seeing clothes fall off of me is amazing. My boobs have not got any smaller, but I graduated with dd. I have triple ds now! I could live without them. Took me $10 to get started with this journey, I think how much I spent so far I should not care to admit.
I have in fact inspired so many, whether they take it and do something about it is their own judgement. I just know in my life I am making a difference. Plus I want to be here for my children in my old age. I would rather do this when I have the choice, not when its a life and death situation. I am lucky in mine, I have normal cholesterol, normal blood pressure, no diabetes, I am still healthy just not in the body I want to be in.
My motivation in the next 6 weeks is That number on the scale I get to see after 6 weeks! 6 weeks is so far away, yet on Sunday I will be on Week 2...Oh how time flies. Nothing is ever easy to obtain, but if you stick to it, you can defeat it. If you are unhappy all you have to do is take the little steps to become who will make you happy. It is possible just believe in yourself..
..because we are not so invincible....
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