I am an addict

Self Mutilation is what it is called. I think that is a vulgar term. I prefer the name Recovering Cutter. I have scars on my left arm that are very deep. Every time people see them its like "oooh cutter" I never have denied it. I will never use scar creme. These scars are me. My road map of who I am. I have maybe 20 old cutting scars on my arm. I am not ashamed. Contrary to most people I did not cut to "try " to end my life or any other ridiculous thought runs in peoples mind when they see cuts. People do not understand the motives behind it.

I haven't cut in about 3 1/2 years. I do have the occasional I want to do it. Then I remember all the reasons I cannot do it. I cannot be trusted around old razor blades...I am an addict. I cut to relive the pain. I like seeing the knife run across..open a bloody wound..and then I dumped anything into it that added to the high. Yes, that was me. I did not show people, hell my parents didnt know til I was 18. I did not publicize my bloody arm or scabs. I remember having my son with my old scars and the nurse questioning about my scars. I politely told her that is my past so let it be. I have had friends that have cut not only their arms, but thighs and stomach as well.

Most people that see "scars" or see cuts assume we want to kill ourselves and we want attention. Well most of the time you will never know a true cutter. My friends all knew what I did and never questioned it. Heck, my best friend watched me hack my arm up and she watched me clean it up bandage it and then we continued playing a video game and that was back in freshman year. I knew boys and girls in my class that did it. The bad thing is when you keep cutting your skin gets harder and so you keep going deeper. Moving from needles to knives to Razorblades. Razorblades cut skin like butter.

I haven't cut in 3 1/2 years but the addict in me is dying down and I have learned to cope with things in other ways. I just wish people would understand people who cut and not jump to conclusions. Its annoying. Even worst, I dressed emo, did my eyes and cut. Hmm...quite a mix. But remeber you are not alone. Even when people assume the worst, parents or boyfriends. There are plenty of us cutters that understand you are not trying to kill yourself. Your just like everyone else. Coping in this cruel world.